A very religious man wanted to prove his faith in God. So, he tied himself to a pylon in the ocean, with the water up to his chest. As the tide started to come in, a boat came by. The man in the boat said, "Hey, what are you doing? Get in my boat and I will save you." At which time the man said that he had total faith in God and that He would not let him drown. As the water neared his head, another boat came by. The man stopped and said the same thing. To which the near drowning man stated, "I have total faith in my God. He will not let me drown." So, the boat went away. A third boat came by. This boater was frantic, being that the water was lapping at the man's nose. But the response was the same. As the last boat left, the water rose above his head and the man drowned. Walking around Heaven, the man was clearly confused. Then he saw God. "Lord, I had total faith in You. Why would You let me down like that? You made no effort to stop the tide!" At which time God stated, "Holy Cow, man, what more did you want from Me? I sent you three boats!!!"

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy: "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies: "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."

A Preacher, a Priest and a Rabbi are playing golf and discussing the various ways they work out the split of the collection plates.
The Pastor says, "At our church, we draw a 3 foot wide circle on the ground and throw the money straight up and whatever lands outside the circle, I keep and the rest goes to God".
The Priest, thinking himself a little more pious, says, "We use a one foot wide circle, we also throw the money and whatever lands inside the circle goes to me and the rest goes to our Father up in Heaven.
Then, they both look at the Rabbi. The Rabbi says, "Alright, already! We in the Synagogue are a little different; we never got so fancy-chancy as you, with the circle thing. However, we do throw the money high up in the air and whatever God wants; . . . he keeps".

St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years."
St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

An old couple died in a car crash and go to heaven. They had been in good health their entire lives due to the wife's interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter met them and took them to their mansion.
As they looked everything over, the old man asked Peter how much the place was going to cost. "Everything's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Peter then took the couple out to see the championship golf course that bordered the home and explained that the course changed to a new one each week representing the great golf courses on earth. The man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter replied, "This is heaven, so you play for free."
Peter then took them to the club house and showed them the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How expensive is the menu?" asked the man. "You mean you don't understand yet? Peter replied with some exasperation. This is heaven, it is free." "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter patiently explained, "That's the best part ... you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat, stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and the man's wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"