One day, a neighbor said to the Max: "Have you a wine that is forty years old?" "Yes I have", replied the Max. "Can you give me a little", asked the neighbor. "If I gave a little to everybody asking for it", said the Max, "It would not be forty years old!" The following is based on the conversation I heard on NPR. American journalist is sharing his experience on Ground Zero. I think he wrote an article in the "Time" magazine or something. I saw a lot of people. I am sorry I could not write a lot about women. There were usually policemen, construction and firefighters. I just saw couple of women who hold flags. Yeah, I wrote that I saw "Kill all Muslims" graffiti on the wall. That does not bother me. I am sure the one who wrote it was just a little bit upset, and he was not going to kill Muslims. Plus, one person does not represent thousands of Americans who were Ground Zero. Sure, some policemen, construction workers, and firefighters steal merchandise if they found it near the destruction. It does not bother me, because these acts do not represent whole America. Overall, I think it was a liberating experience for an American Joe-volunteer who helped cleaning the site because nobody was standing over his shoulders. Comments: Maybe you should be bothered. It is a shame that these graffiti was written. Moreover, there were thousands of people, and nobody wanted to erase it. Nobody said and do anything. Where were the government managers? Looting and thefts does not bother you. Maybe you are thief, that is why. I wonder what bothers you? I guess nothing can bother you. Also, about liberation crap. First of all, construction and government managers were in charge, and people worked in teams. I bet that somebody was standing near Joe. Being on a site of mass destruction has nothing to do with liberation. If you believe that management oppress blue color workers that is another story. Also about women. Don't apologise too much. Just write and speak the truth. If you saw women, why didn't you wrie about them in the paper? Children asked: "Max, why do people go to different directions, when they leave their houses in the morning?" The Max answered without hesitation: "If all of them would go to the same direction, this would throw off the balance of the world!" The physician's receptionist walks into his study and says, "Max is in the waiting room asking to see you again. This time he claims he's invisible." The physician responds, "Tell him I can't see him." Two Chicago businessmen started businesses in the same time, but after a year, one business could barely operate, and another was prosperous. The owner of the struggling business was an American and the owner of the prosperous business was a Russian Jew. So, the failing owner went for advice to a Jew. Jew told him,"I graduated from DePaul University with BA degree in Economics. Maybe you should study there." After spending 4 years in college and spending almost all his money there, the business still did not prosper. Angry American came to the Jew. "I am very sorry, I forgot to tell you that you better be a Russian Jew too." One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock it down to $60." "That's still too expensive," the man says. "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!" Americans and Europeans have a different approach toward Arab-Israeli conflict. Europeans told,"Jewish tanks, granedes, and shells destroy Arabs and Arab property." Americans, "You silly guys. Tanks, shells, and granedes are just things. They cannot destroy by themselves. Don't blame Jewish people for the few misguided missiles. Case dissmissed!" Europeans, "Oh, sorry, we forgot to mention that some suiside bombers are killing Jews and their property." Americans, " Then, this is another problem. We'll open the international law book, and see what it says." One doc still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Somebody's house. Mrs. Somebody was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Somebody, "Do you have a hammer?" A puzzled Mr. Sumbody went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?" Mr. Sumbody complied with the request. In the next ten minutes, Doctor asked for and received a pair of pliers a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Somebody. He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?" "Not a thing," replied old doc . "I can't get my instrument bag open." At midnight the Max heard a noise. Two men were struggling outside. The Max got out of his bed with an expensive Russian style fur hat over him and went to the front of his house. He asked them why they were fighting. Without answering, one of them took the blanket that covered the Max and they both fled. So the poor Max returned to his bed again. "What were they fighting about?", asked his wife. "About my fur hat", said the Max. "Now the hat is gone, so the struggle is over." A group of doctors were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed. Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?" The other three agreed. The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire for sex and I frequently seduce my female patients." The second doc said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want." The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me." The fourth doc then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..." Old Joke At the time of the Max, some clever and educated men were searching for an intelligent man, who could answer their three questions. They traveled through the whole world and then came to Akshehir. They asked: "Who is most intelligent man in this town?" Of course the people of the town brought the Max to the three men and they began to ask. A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help. On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good. On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath, and as soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft. "But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia." "I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia." "First question: Where is the central point of the world?" The Max's donkey was with him. So he pointed to his donkey. "Where the front legs of my donkey are, there is the middle point of the world." "How can you prove that?" asked one of the men. "If you don't believe, you can measure it", the Max said. Measuring did not seem a good idea to them, so they went on to the next question. "How many stars are on the sky?" The Max replied without hesitation: "As many as the hairs on my donkey's mane." The three men laughed. "If you don't believe it," said the Max. "you can count them." The foreigners understood that they couldn't get a correct reply and one of them asked: "Can you say how many hairs are in your donkey's mane?" "Oh, yes", said the Max. "There are exactly the same number of hairs as you have in your beard. Now don't tell me, that you don't believe that because I can prove it by pulling one hair from your beard and one from the donkey's mane. When we pull each hair out one after the other, you can see at the end that there are the same number of hairs." The doctor diagnosed a patient with high blood pressure. Is it come from your family? Your mother's side or father's? Neither. It comes from my wife's family side. You don't belive me. Just meet them.The three men went back to their country and told everyone that the cleverest man in the world lived in Jerusalem. Old Joke The Max had a little stable and a nice donkey. He hadn't wanted to buy a cow, because his donkey would be disturbed and he hadn't much money neither. But his wife wanted to have a cow and she convinced him at last. The Max couldn't stand against his wife, so he bought a cow and put it in the stable. But the stable was small and they couldn't stay quiet in it. The Max who got tired of that said: What people do when they get sick? 1000BC Eat that root. 1000AD That root is heathen. Here, say that prayer. 1750AD That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion. 1900AD That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill. 1980AD That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic. 2000AD That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat that root. "Dear God, kill this cow and save my donkey". A few days later the Max entered the stable and saw the dead donkey and the living cow. "Dear God", he said. "You have been God for so many years but still, you cannot distinguish a cow from a donkey!" A man saw Max who sell bananas near First Chicago Bank. A man wanted money from the Max on credit, but the Max said: "First of all, I have an agreement with the bank. They don't sell bananas, and I do not lend money. Since you are my close, I will be honest with you. I have no money, but I can give you credit. How much do you want?" One day the blonde lost her ring. She searched and searched, but she couldn't find it. Then he got out the house and began to search the ring on the road. People passing by asked him: "Blonde, what are you doing?" "I've lost my ring at home, and now I'm searching it."" "Why don't you search it inside?" "The house is too dark. I can't see anything, so I'm searching my ring outside!" In the village a woman was giving birth to her child and as it was a difficult birth the relatives waited for many hours. They could not reach a doctor from the town. So, they called blonde who lives in a town too. She came, listened to their story and went away. She returned in a few moments with a toy that made a squeaking sound. They asked her why and she said: "Because the child will hear the "voice" of the toy and will very quickly come out to play." The Max was invited out to Chanukah dinner. He went in his old T-shirts and jeans and nobody was interested in him. When he found a few minutes to spare, he rushed home and collected his new business suit. When he came back, he was treated with great respect. Everybody wanted to speak to him. When they sat down for dinner he said: "Eat, suit, eat!" And he explained to the curious people: "If this regard is for my suit, it must eat also." One night the wife of the Max said: "Max, I heard somebody walking on the roof. I am sure that it's a thief who wants to enter the house." But the Max didn't care about it because the house did not have expensive things. "First let him find something to steal. If he finds it, it will be easier to take it from his hands." A joke from the Arab Newspaper In the morning, of 9-11 Mossad spy went to the World Trade Center and said to the few traders named Levin and Cohen: "Today I saw few quarters on the streets of New York. You just need to go few blocks down." Soon, all Jews left Twin Towers. In an hour two building were destroyed… Rabbi Scheerson said to his friends: "Bury me feet over, when I die." They asked the reason for this and he explained: "They told me that at the end of the world everything will turn over and if you bury me so, I can easily stand up at that time." One day the phone ringed in the Max's home. He was afraid of credit coompanies and told the daughter, "If this is a credit company, just say them that dad is not at home". She picked up the phone. "This is First Chicago Bank representive. Can I speak with Mr. Max?" somebody asked. " If this is a credit company, dad told me to say that he is not at home," she answered. At that time, the Max had two girlfriends. They wanted to know whom the Max loved best. They asked him. "If we went in a boat on the lake, and it sank, whom would you save?""The Max turned to his first wife and said: "You know how to swim dear, don't you?" At a dinner everyone was telling riding stories. "What are you going to tell us?" said the people to the Jew. The Jew, who hadn't a real story, began to invent one: "When I was at the farm of my Arab friend Mehmet, they brought out a mustang. It was a beautiful horse, but no one could ride it. First, one man tried, but he was unsuccessful. Then the other, then another, but nobody could ride it. The son of Mehmet tried but he was unsuccessful too. At last it was my turn. I caught the horse and of course..." At that moment the son of Mehmet entered the room and the Jew finished his story: "Of course I couldn't either." Old Joke. When the powerfull Amallek king came to Jerusalem, Max went to bid him welcome. Of course, he didn't forget the typical Turkish custom, and brought him a roasted goose. On the way to the king, the smell of the goose and his hunger forced him to eat. So he ate one leg of the goose. When king saw it with one leg he became very angry, because he himself walked with a limp and he was called 'Limping king'. He thought that the Max was making fun of him. "Where is the other leg of this goose", he shouted angrily. "In our country the geese have only one leg", replied the Max. "Nonsense", shouted king, Then he saw some geese standing in the sun on one leg. He ordered his men to chase the animals away. The geese began to run on both legs. "You, lier!" shouted king. "They have two legs!" "No, Sir", said the Max. "If you were chased like that, you could grow an extra two and run on four legs" When the Max was in a college. One year later young Nasreddin came back. "What did you learn there, my son?" asked his mother. "Oh, I learned half of the accounting trade. I shred confident documents 8 hours a day. I can shred down documents, so now I'll learn the second half, to do accruals, general ledger and cook books" British guide was with American on a bus in London. American tourist liked to boast about the quickenss of the American business. When they passed one historic building, guide told that it took 10 years to build it. Gee, American would build it for only 1 year. They passed another building. " It took 7 years to build this building, said the guide. Gush, In the USA, it would be built in few moths. As they were approaching another historic building, tourist asked " What about this building? How much time it took?" Well, we could not see it just few minutes ago, that is for sure," answered the guide. Max told to his friend. I have 50% chance that I will marry the richest girl in the USA. A friend asked him, "Why you have such a high chances?" "Hey, I am willing to marry. Now it is up to her," he answered. A Jew was sentenced to death in Russia in winter. Executioner asks" What is your last wish?" "I want to eat strawberries", answered Jew. "You silly man, there are no strawberries in Russia in winter," said theexecutioner. "It is ok. I can wait until summer," answered Jew. The Max was living in poverty; he got very tired and decided to sue his former employer. He went to the court and had a he prepared for the trial with his former boss. Then he prayed: "Dear God", he said. "Please send me money" A few minutes later, the The boss's lawyer said that the case is nonesence and that Max needs to pay the legal fees which the boss paid to hire a lawyer. The judge ordered for Max to pay $5,000 to the boss immediately. After paying money, he went home. Then Max fall down on the coach and slept many hours. When he awakened he murmured "Oh, God! What happened? Was it that I couldn't explain, or that you couldn't understand?" A farmer asked to a corporate executive "Where your suit was made?" It is made in Paris," executive said. "Wow, Paris. Where is it? I bet it is far form Gary, IN. Therefore, it is from wilderness, but such good quality," concluded farmer. In his dream some boss gave Max a job which will pay $1.00 more, but Max wanted more money, and money upfront.-So he refused. Suddenly he awoke and saw that his hands were empty. So he quickly closed his eyes again and said: "It's okay, I'll take that job." A joke from early 1990s: Two very influential rabbis argued about their movements and beliefs. "Why do you believe that you are the Messiah?" asked rabbi Shach. "God gave me permission to say so," answered rabbi Schneerson "I did not give the permission," argued rabbi Shach. Old Joke When his wife died, the Max became very sorry, but he mourned for her only a few days. After a while his donkey died and he was even more sorrowful and mourned for him many months. People asked him why and he answered: "When my wife died, they all said, they could find a younger and better one for me, but when my donkey died, nobody offered the same service." A single guy asks to the married guy. "Wow, you look so healthy. You have rosy cheeks. Is marriage good for the health?" "Yes. I argue with my wife all the time. Each time when we finished quarelling, I go outdoors for the fresh air". Old Joke One day a friend of the Max asked him to count as a witness and said to him: "If the judge asks you 'did this man give away all the gold coins' you can tell him that I did." They appeared before the judge and the Max gave evidence that the man had indeed given away all the 'silver' coins. The judge accepted this and they were dismissed. Outside the friend said to the Max: "Max, why did you say 'silver' instead of 'gold'?" "If it is a lie", answered the Max, "what does it matter, what it is?" A joke from the 1970s. Americans like to say that they have more freedom than Russians. "Look. Anyone can go in front of the White house and shout, "Impeachment to Regan," and he will not go to jail for it," said American. In Russia, we have the same thing. Anyone can go to the Red Square and shout, "Impeachment to Regan" and he will not go to jail for it," replied Russian. One day, a thief came to the house of the Max and took everything he had except the blanket which covered him. When the Max saw the thief carrying all his things away, he put his blanket over his shoulders and followed him. When the thief arrived at his own house, he turned back and saw the Max. "What are you doing here?" he asked. "What am I doing here," said the Max, "you ask a thing like that? Didn't we move to this house?" Sergent McCorner to the privates. Private Johnson, lift that tank. He could not lift. "It is too heavy, sergent McCorner" "Come on, private Smith, help him". They could life too."It is too heavy. Sergant McCorner" "Come on Simpson and Burg, help them." They pushed real hard, but in vain. "It is too heavy sergent McCorner". What did you expected? Tank weights thousands of pounds." Replied sergent. Once Max was in the bus. He tried to look for the empty seats, but all seats were taken. He saw one lady reading Bible and her bag on another seat. He approched to her, but she looked at him, and continued to stare in the Bible book. He thought, "Poor woman, she must be blind. She could not see me, therefore, she could not understand words in the Bible." Old joke One day when the Max went to the baths, his friends wanted to play a joke on him. They each took an egg with them and came to the baths. "Max", said one of them. "Everyone will say "chuck-chuck-chuck" and lay an egg. The one who cannot do this must invite all the rest to dinner." The Max agreed and they began to put the prepared eggs underneath them. Then it was Max's turn. He shouted: "Cock a-doodle-do" "What is that?" they asked. "Do not so many hens need a rooster?" he replied. Why did Jews wondered in desert for fourty years? Because somebody dropped a coin. One day a man brought a letter to Max, the religious Jew and said: "Max, please read it to me.", The Max saw that it was written in a foreign language and said: "I cannot read that, it isn't written in Hebrow." The man became angry: "You are the head of the yeshiva. You should be ashamed of your yermolka! You cannot read a letter." The Max put yermolka on the head of the man and said: "If the miracle is on the yermolka, take it and read the letter by yourself." Old Joke At the time of a strict king no one was allowed to carry a knife or a gun. One day the soldiers caught the Max with a big knife. The head of the soldiers shouted: "Don't you know, that you are not allowed to carry a knife!", "But, I use it to scratch out the mistakes in the law." "But why is your knife so big? " "Because the mistakes are big! " One day, when the Max was new employee in a certain company, some people invited him to dinner. As you know, the Max never lets the opportunity of a free meal. So he accepted, left a purse on his desk and went to the restaurant When he cam back to the office, he noticed that his bag has disappeared. He shouted: "Who has stolen my bag? If he doesn't return it, I know what I'll do!" The thief was afraid of the Max, so he gave the bag back. Then he asked: "Max what would you have done, if I hadn't returned it to you?" "Oh, nothing special", said the Max. "I would just go home by myself without money. One day, the Max borrowed $100.00from his neighbor. After he got his [aycheck and cashed it, he wrote $100.00 check back to the neighbor with $10.00 bill When the man saw it, he was most surprised. "What is that?" he asked. "Well, said the Max, when I borrowed your $100.00 it was pregnant and it brought a child into the world." The man smiled and accepted them. A few days later the Max borrowed $1,000.00 but this time he did not return it. The man was rather cross. He went to the Max and asked "What about my money?" "I am very sorry", said the Max, "but it died." "Don't make jokes with me", replied the man, "How can a pan die?" "If you believe that it brought a child into the world", said the Max, "why can't you believe that it died?" One day big boss asked the Max, who worked in a temp agency: "How much would I cost, if I were a temp?" The manager, thinking that he had knowledge in business, expected a very high sum to be offered. But the Max's answer came without hesitation and it was most unsatisfactory. "Fifty dollars!" "But my clothes alone cost that much", said the big shot. The Max's answer came quickly and clearly. "I meant your clothes", he said. Old Joke One day the Max claimed that the could do whatever he wanted. The people wanted him to show his ability. They told him to call the mountain. "Mr. Mountain", said the Max. "Would you come here for just a minute?" Of course nothing happened to the mountain. He called again and again, then he began to walk. "Max", said one of the men. "Where are you going?" "I", said the Max, "am not a vain person myself, If I call the mountain and it doesn't come to me, I go to it." New comments: If the mountain does not go to the drug-addict, so drugs were weak. Old Joke When the Max was in another village, he got very hungry. He was walking through the market when he smelled food from a restaurant. He saw the owner standing at the door. He asked: "Does all this food belong to you?" "Yes," said the man. " Really? " asked the Max. "You silly man," said the Max. "Why do you stand here, instead of eating it all?" STRANGE JOB OF THE GOD The Max collected over many years 1000 coins and one day a thief came and stole the money. The Max was very sorry and prayed every night. After many days, a man came and gave 1000 coins to the Max. The Max asked: "What is this?" The man explained: "I am a sailor and the ship I was on was in perie. The waves lashed the ship and we were all very frightened. So I said: 'If I return safely on land, I will give 1000 coins to the Max' and here they are." When the Max heard this he said: "Dear God? what a strange job you have. Where did my money go and from where does it return! What is the use of this?" TAKING A BATH A man asked the Max, "Max, to which side must I turn when bathing in the sea?" The Max answered; "To the side where your clothes are." Max worked as temp. When the Max was finishing his assignment in a company, his temp agency called to the receptionist and instead of talking to Max directly they asked the receptionist to ask Max to call them. He called, and agency said that there would be no job for him and hanged up. Max called the recetionist and asked to talk to the boss of the temp agency. The recetpinist said that Max can tell her what he wanted to say to the big boss. Max asked that it is so important, so he needed to talk with the boss directly. When the boss picked up the phone, Max said, "You are full of garbage," and hanged up the phone. Old Joke One day the Blonde purchased some hens and a rooster and on the way toher village and she released the rooster to lead the hens home. But of course, when the she freed them, they all fled. But he caught the rooster, gave it a beating and cried: "You silly bird, you know when it is morning because you are crow, why don't you know the way to my village?" In the time of a very strict judge, everyone committing a crime was beaten. One day the Max was with him. Judge was shouting. "Beat this man 700 times!", "This one 1000 times!", "This one 1200 times!", "This one 1500 times!" Then the Max spoke: "Dear Judge, do you know everything?", "Of course", shouted Judge angrily. "No", said the Max. "Here is something which you don't know. It is the meaning of the number 1500 or the taste of the stick." The people asked the Max, "Dear Max, tell us, where should we go in a funeral procession, in front, at the back, or at the side?" The Max answered, "It doesn't matter where you go, as long as you don't go in the coffin." Old Joke One day, a friend of the Max came to him and asked if he could borrow his donkey for two hours to go to the town. The Max, not really wanting to lend his donkey, thought for a while and then said: "Dear friend, I would like to help you but I have lent my donkey to another friend" The man was turning to leave when he heard the donkey, who was in the stable, bray. The braying became louder and louder. Then the man turned to the Max with great anger and shouted: "You, Max, you have cheated me!" The Max, in turn, was very angry and shouted back: "You silly man, haven't you any sense, whom do you believe, me or the donkey". One day, the Max went to another village. Nobody offered him something to eat, instead they asked him: "Max, why do people yawn?" "There are two reasons: One of them is tiredness, the other is hunger." After yawning for a while he finished up his words: "I'm not tired!" Old Joke One day the Max wanted to get on his horse but he couldn't reach his aim. "Oh, what a shame", he said aloud. "That I am not young as I was in the old days." Then he said in a whisper which was heard only by himself: "I know how you were in your youth!" Previous Next

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